that whole people thing

It's late and I shouldn't be blogging, but I managed to get one of my computers up and running this afternoon -- without totally wiping the hard drive clean, no less -- so I figure I have some catching up to do. That and this is one of those times where I'm a little too pissed off at things in general to go to sleep and seem to be in an observant and introspective mood so I'll sit here and type for a while. Come to think of it, I've been musing over this sort of stuff for some time so I probably have a lot more to say than will be said here. I do wonder if I should be putting some of my thoughts down for all the world to see, lest the wrong people eventually read this and take some of it wrong or react negatively. But what the heck, might as well type something. And from the start of my blogging career my main goal was to be as honest and open as possible and especially not let suspicions of what others might think have any influence on what I post, so, in ebonics terms, it's time to keep it real.

Anyway, as the story begins...I just got back from somebody's house, at which I watched a good movie and then listened for a couple of hours while others discussed a wide range of topics that seemed to eventually settle on how best to minister to lost and broken communities. The key word there is "listened", as I can't say I participated much. Perhaps this discussion was unique in that it zeroed in on something I haven't thought about all that much and have little experience in, and thus I should expect to do more listening and less talking. But I left feeling like every time I had something to say I was either cut off or ignored. I guess I think too slow or something. One has to be able (and willing) to speak at the first outbreak of silence and rudely talk over others to be heard in such situations. Makes me wonder why I waste my time trying to associate with people in the first place.

For someone like me, feeling that way is to be expected from time to time. I'm just not an outgoing, assertive kind of person and so I tend to be the quiet one when there are a few loudmouths or dominant (read: disrespectful) talkers in the room. I also don't force myself into conversations easily. It's frustrating oftentimes but something I've come to expect and more or less accept as a staple of life, so I try not to let myself get too worked up over such times. But the problem is, I've been getting that feeling a lot lately, as in the past few months or so.

Feeling awkward or left out with respect to social stuff has been the story of most my interactions with people. Even upon arriving here in Maryland, I was stuck in "this sucks" mode for quite a while and struggled to relate to anyone God placed in my life. But then I seemed to be making a lot of social/emotional progress in getting to know folks and even growing a lot in the social skills department. Heck, I had even become an extrovert at times. Basically I seemed to be gaining confidence around others in leaps and bounds. But nowadays I catch myself reverting back to my old ways in that I have to just do the "grin and bear it" thing a lot of the time around most people and I find myself just wanting to vanish into my own little corner of the world so I don't have to deal with the annoying quirks of others that seem to be ever present.

Probably the main thing is that for some months I've been stressed out and concerned beyond what I can handle -- certainly not a new theme in my life -- and I've learned that in such situations my ability and desire to relate to people is one of the first things to drop off. Work hasn't been going great (to be more correct, it's been even more dreadful recently) for reasons I can't really figure out, I feel like I haven't really connected a lot with anyone in my church and some recent developments make me wonder if I should do some looking around,* I haven't been able to save squat for money toward a future house or even a reasonable rainy-day fund, people I've come to know and appreciate in a lot of ways have left the area, and on and on. In general things just aren't looking up these days and I'm having a lot of trouble finding reasons to believe things will get better, in the near future or even ever (in this life anyway). For someone like me, who likes to see results and feel assured that his days are achieving something real and tangible that he can see and measure, that's not good and leads to much fretting about what I must do to change things.

There's a bit more to be said here I think. For better or for worse, my faith needs to see fruit to keep growing. I'm not the Job type who can just take endless abuse and cling to something that doesn't seem to be helping or providing any cover, nor am I the Noah type who can doggedly press on when things seem pointless and one must base his hope on impossibly long odds. I don't have much patience for things that don't show some sign of working out or at least not being a waste of time.

In a whole life sense, I need something to bank on and, when nothing else seems to be working, say "at least I have this, and I can keep succeeding in this." Thus, in a faith sense, I need to see hard evidence that my faith is actually making my life better and is worth the effort I put into it (which admittedly hasn't been much for a while). Yeah, that's basically idolatry that comes from a lack of trust, but seeing that and really taking it to heart and believing it are two vastly different things.

But it also seems that I've been having to deal with more obnoxious people lately. (Not that people are like that intentionally, but their personalities and tendency to dominate any conversation at the expense of others make them that way.) I don't like having to listen to someone drone on without making any real points, and I especially don't like being cut off when I speak or not even being able to speak at all because everyone else is jabbering too much. I'm not the type to talk over others, and yet, much to my shame, I find myself doing that on frequent occasions these days when others around me practice such rudeness. I have also always hated being around people who are eager to exalt themselves or talk about their own life in minute detail. Not that I mind learning about others -- I love hearing about how others are doing and their life experiences that have gotten them to where they are and stuff -- and I understand that sometimes just listening to whatever someone wants to say is the best thing one can do to help that person. But let's not make it a habit, okay? Really, if I gave a crap about the very inner workings of your mind or the details of some obscure childhood story of yours, I'd just ask. The fact that I didn't eagerly dig for more info when you mentioned it should reveal that I probably don't give a damn. If I look like I'm only feigning minimal interest to avoid needlessly offending you or making you feel bad, it just might be because that's exactly what I'm doing.**

Perhaps I'm too picky or critical of others, but doesn't such aforementioned stuff show disrespect toward and disinterest in others? I don't think it's too much to ask someone to show a reasonable amount of respect and appreciation of those around them. Or maybe my definition of respect is that one must fit perfectly into my little box of how I want them to be. Maybe I'm just completely screwed up and will always be socially backward and unable to cope with certain types of people. Heck. I don't know. But I do know I'm just pissed off and irritated at the human race right about now. (Yeah, including myself.)

I think one reason I grew to like the Christian singles group I'm in so much is that, in short, the folks are like me in a few key ways. It has plenty of easy-to-relate-to people in it who are interesting to listen and talk to and are also respectful of others and not in the habit of making themselves the center of attention. (Not that I fit this criteria exactly, but that's how I try to be and how I tend to picture myself.) The group members are generally easy to get along with, and I figured that such behavior must come from age and maturity -- not that I'm claiming to somehow be more mature than others just because I'm quiet, but that talkative folks eventually learn to tone down a bit and respect the rest of us more just as quiet folks like myself gradually learn how to talk to and relate to people more.

I think it's also due to humility (something I've been dwelling on and thinking about a lot lately) on the part of others, in that they don't really get in another person's space, so to speak, but rather reveal some level of understanding and wisdom in the way they defer to those around them and aren't quick to spout off whatever comes to their mind. I feel like I've been drifting away from this attitude a bit myself, as I often find myself blurting out thoughts and carrying on about topics barely related to the discussion at hand, but hopefully being around others will help me recapture some of that lost humility. Seeing people like that makes me realize how few really humble and caring people there are in the world. This in turn makes me realize that I need to be one of them.

But, my [age = maturity] and [Christian singles group = respectful people who are easy to be around] theories seem to have been shattered lately. More and more I find myself suffering through the antics of one or more people in a discussion, and I guess it's starting to wear on me. I may not show it but my frustration level has been off the charts in recent weeks. I don't know if the people and attitudes have changed so much or I've just grown weary of what I've managed to deal with for a while. But I'm tired of leaving group meetings and discussions and such wondering if I actually gained anything from those hours I just spent in the presence of others. I'm tired of people hijacking discussions when there was actually a decent exchange of ideas taking place. I'm tired of people cutting other people off without at least letting them finish a short point. I'm tired of people talking over others and even shouting others down just so their points can be heard. I'm tired of feeling hopeless and inept in dealing with others because I can't beat these flappers at their own game (the latter being a good thing of course).

I mean, we're all Christians here, right? Shouldn't we, of all people in the world, be able to have a deep, passionate, intelligent discussion without trampling each other? How do we engage the world if we can't engage each other and make each person feel appreciated? Geez...I really hope this is just a Jesse thing and my skewed view of the world makes me take things wrong and draw wacky conclusions about what I see. But things just seem to be getting out of hand.

(As an aside, the real trouble with that above stuff is, I notice pretty much all of that in myself from time to time. Hey, maybe God put it there so I'd see my own faults and realize how annoying it is when people do to me what I unwittingly do to others. If that's the case then I'm glad for it and I sure hope I learn a lot about how to work with others. Maybe I'm just getting too talkative at times and notice flaws in others because I'm playing their game more than I realize. In any case, hopefully there's a lot to be gained from such experiences.)

Probably as a result of this, I sometimes find myself wondering about Christians in general, which admittedly is not many steps away from turning the questions toward Christianity itself. These days that'd be dangerous ground for me to be on so I'd really rather not get there. Yet I find myself within view, so to speak. Why is it that my closest friends have almost*** always been nonbelievers or at least less-than-perfect believers that I have some vices in common with? A lot of non-Christians I know are cool with me just being who I am, which means showing a lot of blemishes. They're also cool with me talking in faith terms and saying "God" or "Jesus" every now and then, and are sometimes even curious about it. (They may not appreciate it in the way that I do, but at least I don't feel guilty for bringing it up.) And I'm okay with them being who they are and I don't rush to chastise them for encroaching upon my perfectly pure little world. Heck, I grew up in their world and still struggle with a lot of its bad habits.

But as for typical Christians, the story is a little different. I'm cool with them being themselves, but I'm not convinced it goes both ways. If I actually told them how I really feel or slipped up by alluding to the wrong topic or interest or dropping the wrong words in their presence, I would (and often do) feel this immediate pang of shame and embarrassment for having not kept that aspect of myself properly hidden from their view. At times it seems like such a chore to be around Christians and we all seem so fake. It's really too bad it's like this, and this is a huge topic that I won't delve into any more for now, but it seems to be more the norm than I would have guessed some years ago. Sometimes experience teaches you things you don't want to know.

Overall, my people skills just aren't all there right now. The ability doesn't seem to be there and the desire sure as heck isn't; the first is probably a result of the second. But I also realize that withdrawing from others would be a bad idea and would only worsen whatever the problem is in the long run. I'm sure it's not all me and it's not all them, but I wish I could just rewind the clock a few months to when I seemed to be in good spirits around folks. I guess the tough thing is that it once again has me wondering why I'm so poorly endowed with social skills and how I can be accepted and appreciated more by others -- at least that's how it feels on my end. And in a grand sense, I still can't quite decipher how I'm supposed to fit into this world and work in it when so much of daily life is so painful. Alas, at least there's sleep at the end of each day...


* I'm not a big fan of church-hopping because it reveals an obvious focus on self and lack of attention to what one can contribute back to the church. Leaving a church you used to like because it just doesn't "feel right" anymore or get you excited like it used to is wrong every time methinks. Now if that church has made changes or strayed from some of the reasons you liked it, such that it's no longer the church you felt at home in and agreed with, that's different. And that's where I find myself. There have been changes that I don't like, but then again I have been going for well over a year and building relationships there to some extent, so I do have some roots there. I'm inclined to think my dissatisfaction is due more to me than to the church. But I also never visited any other churches around here before deciding this was the one, so I don't know much about any others. It's a fine line that's hard to define.

** A blog seems to be a handy tool for expressing one's thoughts on such things. Take this post, for example. It's basically meaningless and nobody would want to sit there and listen to me ramble on for several minutes about it, but reading is different. You're reading this, aren't you? And if you don't want to read it you just don't. No harm done.

*** Were it not for my mentor from my early days at UIUC the "almost" wouldn't be there. He's the only one I can think of off-hand that doesn't fit my generalization.