Tuesday, June 09, 2009

tracking the hacks

It's not easy trying to keep up with all the various types of hacks crowded around the public trough. It seems like every time we look, another species has spawned and is fighting for its share of the gummint slop. The feeding frenzy is just too furious to follow, especially here in Massachusetts, or Taxachusetts, or Hackachusetts, or whatever your name of choice is for this California of the East.

But thankfully, Boston Herald columnist Howie Carr has provided an indispensable field guide to the hackerama that is leeching the government to its death and crowding out any species that might be beneficial to the welfare of the nation. This piece is both amusing and informative, and a must-read for anyone who wishes to understand just a few of the hackasaurus species roaming the lands of America.

His opening salvo says it all:

Tracking the not-so-elusive hackasaurus greedicus of Massachusetts is a lot like exploring the vast Amazon rain forests or the Marianas Trench - new species are constantly being discovered. The difference is that in the Massachusetts hackerama, no species of hack ever goes extinct.

Ain't that the truth...no species of hack ever goes extinct. Nowhere is that more true than in the deep, dark jungles of Hackachusetts.

Howie has done his homework here, covering everything from hack-ademics to double-dipper hacks to green hacks to lobbyist hacks. Each is provided with its biological classification as well as a brief description of its identifying characteristics and behavior. However, I am a little disappointed that he left out one of the most prolific and dangerous types of hack. He included some of its breeds, such as Globe hacks and MBTA hacks, but he didn't identify the species itself. So I'll take the liberty of adding it to the list...

Union hacks

hackasaurus noworkus

This numerous species is known more for its voracious appetite that has brought about declines in industries that were once pillars of strength for the U.S., as well as its ongoing devouring of other previously healthy sectors of the economy. But despite the success of some breeds in bringing down private enterprises, many other breeds of this insatiable hack are always found close to a source of government spending. These hacks forage in packs, using their strength in numbers to overpower the good intentions of government functions. Often responsible for channeling significant amounts of taxpayer largesse to themselves and their members and servants, no efficient program is safe when they draw near. In times of duress, the older, more powerful hacks of this species have been known to display utter disregard and even cannibalistic tendencies toward their younger, less experienced cohorts. (The recent behavior of the Globe hacks is an example.) Despite their differing traits and habitats, one thing is certain: when these hacks take over the show, the credits are soon to follow.


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