the phone call from hell, #65,297

You know what I really needed today? No, I mean, really, really needed? Another thing to piss me off this week. Enter the Maryland Department of Labor, Licensing, and Regulation. Anytime a government regulating agency is so brazen as to even include the word "regulation" in its name, that's unspeakably bad. And a precursor of things to come for anyone who would dare attempt to interact with such a beast or force it to serve a useful function in any manner. Allow me to narrate...

While on break this afternoon at work, during one of those days that make me ponder anew my prospects of one day finding a job I can tolerate on a semi-consistent basis, I'm struck with the urge to pursue some needed details concerning licensure as a Professional Engineer in this great state. As is usually the case for an information gathering exercise, I figure the web would be a good place to start. And so I open my web browser. My first mistake...

I go to the DLLR site and try to look at some forms, only to find that I have to be a registered user to go any further. Okay, this is a really dumb and pointless step just for browsing general info, I think to myself, but the screwy system has trapped me and so I click on the registration link. Turns out you have to enter your Engineer In Training registration number to even sign up. I'm not registered as an EIT in Maryland. Great. I can't even look at any PE exam info online, much less take any steps toward applying to take the thing.

Well, at least they give a phone number. Not my first choice but it'll work. Right? But of course. After hitting a bunch of numbers and holding for a few minutes, I finally talk to what I presume to be a human. I do my best to be friendly and ask a simple question, and am promptly transferred to someone else. Apparently simple and should-be-basic facts about their department are not shared with DLLR employees. I bet they don't even know why they work there.

Anyway, I get a long message on the other end about the myriad of info available on the web -- they of course don't mention that you can't see it if you aren't already registered -- and am finally told to press zero to talk to someone. This only directs me back to the first person I talked to, who informs me that whoever it is I need to speak to will be back in the office tomorrow. Thanks for mentioning that up front, by the way. So apparently there's only one person in the entire department who knows the basic info I need and that person is not at work today. Outstanding.

It's right about now that I realize this is one of those calls that is going so miserably it can only get worse and worse until it ends in a most frustrating way, as these types always do. If I still had any patience left I'd give up on it now. If I had any common sense I'd throw in the towel and hang up now. But since I have neither at this point, I stupidly stay on the line and hope for the impossibility of obtaining useful information from deep within the bowels of bureaucracy.

Back in reality, my maybe-friendly-but-definitely-not-intelligent attendant transfers me over to this person's voice mail so I can leave a message. Well, bleep. I'm not going to be in the office the rest of the week and may not be able to take phone calls for much of it either, and I'd really like to just get some simple freaking information, but so much for that. Next, I get a voicemail response asking me to leave a message for the director of licensing for interior designers and she'll call back when she can.

By this point I've lost what little self-control I may have ever possessed and could burst into an uncontrollable rage at any moment. Were I not so intensely focused on hating this whole system I'd probably notice myself trembling violently and frothing at the mouth. So, I decide that today is not a good day to be sent for for-cause fitness-for-duty testing because I'd obviously fail and then find myself without an income, and thus I should hang up. And maybe go outside and smash some cars, kill some small animals, bust a hole in the wall with my head, and otherwise relieve some fury. As it is, I settle for slamming the phone down hard enough to probably jolt my office mates and cause folks to say a prayer and think about their loved ones every time they pass my cube for the rest of the afternoon.

All in all, not a great experience. Once again, the uncontrolled monstrosity that is bureaucratic government has thwarted the reasonable but futile attempts of one lowly servant to gain access to some most basic information. Apparently the ungodly huge amount of taxes I get fleeced for every year is not enough to provide adequate access to information or hire/train decent workers who can perform basic tasks. I love this state. Oh well, back to searching the out-of-state job listings...